One of the hardest blows that we can suffer on an emotional level is infidelity . And We are going to mention some keys to be able to overcome an infidelity. And not only from the side that suffers it. But we will also talk about the importance of the emotional work of the party that has committed it.
By definition it is such the situation in which our partner maintains intimate contact (it does not have to be exclusively sexual) with another person behind our back, thus leading to lies, deceit and damage to the couple’s relationship.
I have discovered that my partner has been unfaithful to me
When a person discovers or realizes that their partner is being or has been unfaithful, the first thing they usually feel is disbelief and denial.
It is not wanting to believe what is happening to him, that this could happen to him or her, that the couple’s relationship has reached this point.
After this period or moment comes anger, exploding against the other party or against the person with whom he has been unfaithful.
Extremely painful at this point is when the third person is an acquaintance, and more if it is someone close to you such as a friend or family member. The breakup multiplies because the addition of a path of trust that we see sinking and this makes the process of overcoming an infidelity difficult.
It is important that we do not censor anger, that we do not see it as something forbidden, but at the same time that we distinguish anger from violence.
By violence we understand hurting something or someone including ourselves, and for this reason it is important not to reach violence. But anger is a basic emotion and there are ways to allow ourselves to bring it out.
My anger asks me to leave, what do I do?
In a moment or situation in which anger floods us, and in an infidelity anger is very present, it is important to have tools to be able to express it, we are going to see several ways.
One of them, very effective, and that we can all do, is to write . Take paper and pen, and let out everything that boils inside, it is important to contact that anger and not worry about the letter, it does not matter if it is understood or not, what matters is to express it, and above all that the one that is expressed is the emotional part, do not censor words, give space to the most visceral, to whatever comes, it does not matter if they are insults, bad-sounding words, you are the role, the anger and you. Let it out.
Another way is to hit in a safe way, it can be hitting a cushion against the mattress, a punching bag, a ball . Anger is the accumulated energy and needs to go out, hitting things that do not break or hurt us is a way to hit it. Exit.
And a third that frees a lot is to scream, and here we are going to scream with the help of a towel. Turn it over on itself, bite it and scream against it, you will see how the sound is muffled in such a way that you do not have to worry about the neighbors, but leaving you total freedom to remove all that you need to expel.
Anger leaves, sadness enters
It does not have to be in this order, but it is usually normal that in infidelity anger appears first and then, although it is also from the beginning, sadness remains.
It is difficult to carry this stage in the first place . Because infidelity also usually brings a latent feeling of guilt that makes us hide the reality of our emotional world. Either because we do not want to feel judged by others, or because we do not want people to know that we have suffered an infidelity or because we make ourselves believe that our partner does not deserve our tears.
And yet it hurts, and it still hurts, and loneliness is sometimes necessary, but punishing ourselves with loneliness is never a solution.
Here it is important to allow ourselves. And To give ourselves permission to let our friends be by our side. Not to impose that phrase of “I don’t want to bother” on us, to allow ourselves to cry and not see weakness in it, to seek professional help, to allow ourselves to live again and feel, to return to trust.
Something that can be normal is to feel this pain or sadness months after what happened. Do not be surprised, many times we react by taking care of other things, focusing on our work or our children, and some time later, when our body and mind relax is when sadness appears, and that is when we have to take care of it.
Overcoming through forgiveness
When we hear or read the word forgiveness in a situation of infidelity. Parts of anger or disbelief are activated in us again, but let’s see what forgiveness we propose here.
Forgiving the party that has been unfaithful always has to be a totally free and independent decision of the person who has suffered it, therefore we are not going to talk about that forgiveness.
The forgiveness we refer to is forgiving ourselves. Forgiving ourselves so as not to get caught up in anger, revenge, frustration, and guilt.
It is a forgiveness that comes after working all the emotional part that we have commented previously. And it is the final part that will allow me to be able to trust again, to risk new relationships, to believe in love again, always starting from unconditional love towards myself.
The emotional management of the party committing the infidelity
It is important that people who commit an infidelity realize how important it can be to work on it. When an infidelity is committed it is easy to fall into justification (you can always find reasons) or self-flagellation ( I am the worst, I do not deserve anyone …) without taking steps to try to identify the true causes that have led me and me they can lead to infidelity again.
Fear of compromise? Lack of honesty with myself and with others? Need to feel wanted?
There can be a multitude of factors. The important thing is to see that everything that appears has a deeper root that is always good to know in order to grow on a personal level and be able to have a better relationship both with myself and with others.
Finally, emphasize the need for therapeutic support in the process of overcoming an infidelity. In any traumatic situation, one of the most important things is what happens after the trauma, and being able to be in good company with a person who transmits unconditional love, trust, and security is essential.