Have you ever been afraid to fall in love? Have you felt Fear of commitment? It is important, before going into the subject, to understand what fear is and what it is warning us about.
What is fear ?
Fear is an emotion that warns us of a dangerous situation and can have consequences in which this fear paralyzes us.
But, many times, it is not easy to detect this emotion that is hidden under the parameters of love. That is why it is very important to detect and connect with that fear in order to face it and tear down all those walls that surround us.
We know that love is not easy and open our feelings and our hearts even less. Above all, when we have lived previous experiences and situations that have been able to mark us or have left us a wound.
Therefore, initially we are going to review the possible beliefs that can be hidden under the fear that we have mentioned.
“I always fall in love with the wrong person”
“No relationship ever turns out well”
“Why am I going to start a relationship if I know how they all end?”
And this is where I invite you to question your own beliefs, be they these or any of the same style. What are you protecting yourself from? What is your fear? And What do you value in a partner?
Relationships almost always start the same way. One person meets another, there begins to be a certain attraction in possible different areas. They like each other and, little by little, a kind of bond that is very different from the others is generated.
At this time, when there are no demands, no labels or an intimacy beyond the emotional, everything is perfect.
What happens when one of the people begins to feel something else?
This is where the alarm of fear is activated and you can begin to feel overwhelmed, pressure, doubts and, after all, fear. Very afraid. Where does this fear come from? What activates you in the face of commitment?
One of the most common causes is, what in psychology, we call philophobia. That is, the fear of falling in love. The fear of love.
When we talk about this type of phobia. The person does not have the ability to open up emotionally or sentimentally towards love relationships or those that require a certain commitment.
And, at this point, you need to ask yourself and reflect, am I really afraid of commitment?
At this point it is important to know what happens when fear takes precedence over any other type of emotion in the face of love or commitment and paralyzes us in a certain sense.
When fear dominates us, it takes control in our lives minimizing any other type of emotion that we may feel at that moment. And this is when our body can act in two ways:
Either you tend to avoid or you block.
Consequently, this need to cut off the relationship or disappear from the other person’s life appears. That is why it is important to ask yourself different questions to recognize and detect if there is a fear of love and commitment.
What attracts me to impossible relationships? What makes me not delve into what I feel about my relationships? And What adversities do I impose on myself when I meet someone?
Origin of fear of commitment
As we have discussed previously, fear is an emotion that tries to protect you. And for that reason it is necessary to see What are you protecting yourself from? What are you defending yourself from?
When we speak, specifically, of the fear of commitment or falling in love, we are talking about a certain fear of the bond and, therefore, of possible suffering.
When we maintain a relationship with someone, we are creating a bond and this makes us both human and vulnerable.
Here is one of the key points. The fear of suffering and having a bad time. Where beliefs like the ones we discussed at the beginning appear.
Where does this fear come from?
Many times, previous experiences have marked us a before and after regarding love.
If these have been satisfactory and have not created any wound, it is most likely that this fear does not exist and trust appears in a sentimental bond.
But, when we have experienced a rejection, a painful breakup or an experience that has done us a lot of damage ,it is when it influences us when it comes to committing ourselves emotionally with another person and that unhealed wound appears.
Therefore, we are going to see the main reasons and wounds that we can find as a source of this discomfort in a more concrete way, in which, for the most part, they will be related to traumatic experiences of the past and the links that we have established since our childhood.
The wound of abandonment
There are many authors who have studied the basic needs of the human being.
One of them was Maslow , who, thanks to his pyramid, we know that one of the most basic needs of people is recognition .
Therefore, it is understandable that we have the need to be accepted and, therefore, one of the basic fears is that of abandonment or being rejected, it is a wound that can cause a lot of pain and, as we have mentioned, one of the defense mechanisms of fear is avoidance.
Therefore, we find that we avoid maintaining relationships that unite us at a much deeper level for fear of being rejected or not accepted by the other person with whom we create a bond.
In this wound, self-esteem and self-acceptance have a fundamental role since we must work on our strengths and our areas of improvement to feel worthy of other people. Since, if you don’t love yourself, no one can do it for you.
The wound of the loss of your individuality
Many people have the belief that when they start a relationship they will lose their autonomy and even their way of being. Your individuality. Therefore, we are talking about the fear of losing the essence of oneself.
In this case, we are constantly exposed to messages like those of the better half. And here, it is important to begin to break with the belief that the couple completes us.
Therefore, it is important to take into account limits and our independence when creating a bond with another person since we may have experienced suffocating or very dependent relationships in the past.
How to manage the fear of commitment?
Choosing a partner, creating an emotional and sentimental bond implies sharing life with another person but it is a personal, own and free decision. You decide how you want to share your life and in what way.
What happens when there is fear? Then, it is no longer so much a choice but an avoidance or not worthy of such a possibility.
This is where you should begin to observe (yourself) and become aware of how you relate to others.
To do this, you must identify what you feel when creating a bond, what are your avoidance mechanisms and identify what emotion predominates before the possibility of establishing a relationship with a certain commitment.
What do you feel? What do you think?
On the other hand, once you have become aware of the pattern you have for love and commitment, you should know what you are going to do with it.
Everything we do is the product of what we feel. And knowing how you act and how you relate will allow you to question whether what you do is because you really want to or why that fear prevents you from taking another step.
When you are clear about what you feel, think and how you act in relation to relationships, it is time to take the step of identifying and (re) knowing what emotional wound is hidden under all that fear.
Until you know what your inner wound is, you cannot heal it.
Observe yourself and discover the origin of that fear.
It is possible to overcome the fear of Commitment in love
When we enter a possible relationship, a link, a commitment, we must accept that we are going to go hand in hand with uncertainty. A solution to being able to walk on this path of not knowing what can happen is confidence .
It is important that you trust yourself first. In your capacity to love.
Starting to share our inner world will allow us to open ourselves up having tools from which to learn new experiences.
And it is that, when you love yourself, you are no longer for anyone.